2011-04-11 14:35:15 badmets Street Art *bETa*

That's right. Charlie's already there. Come join the party


   2011-04-01 12:58:05 Opening Day! Yay!

   2011-03-28 14:29:03 How To Get Rich Quick (And Face Inevitable Pitfalls)

1) bet everything you own on VCU winning the NCCA championship
2) invest winnings in stocks of companies dealing with solar energy and/or identity security
3) sell portfolio when it quadruples
4) go to AC
5) bet it all on RED

Facing the pitfalls using Logic: IF ... AND ... BUT ... THEN

IF VCU doesnt win NCCA championship ... THEN game is over for you. We suggest you now 'offically' go insane and get committed to an institution.

IF VCU wins ... BUT portfolio crashes ... THEN game is over for you. See above advice

IF VCU wins ... AND portfolio quadruples... AND you go to AC ...BUT it comes up BLACK ... THEN game is over for you ... see above advice.

   2011-03-22 10:58:25 The Past Dissolves Into the Future

...and follicles, like icicles in a sudden sun storm, disintegrate into your flesh and he's right we're all the same same same and nothing changes but just goes back to sleep only to wake up and spring back with hope hoping that it'll never end but of course it will cuz there's only the end and your horse will never win

   2011-03-04 11:47:57 Is Mets Rotation Their Achilles Heel?

The New York Mets might be in the toughest division in all of baseball and a lot of online betting fans are skeptical as to whether they can actually compete. Let’s face it: their starting rotation simply doesn’t look so hot.

As of right now, the projected five is as follows:

1. Mike Pelfrey 2. Jon Niese 3. R.A. Dickey 4. Chris Capuano 5. Chris Young

If you’re wondering if one key name is missing from that rotation, you’d be right to think so. Starter Johan Santana had shoulder surgery in September and the Mets are hoping that he can reclaim his starting spot at the top of the rotation at some point in June or July. That’s a long ways away and everyone is holding their breaths collectively because who really knows how he’ll fare when he does come back. The Mets are banking on a lot of ‘ifs’ in this rotation and they aren’t very strong even if Santana returns to his ace form. Mike Pelfrey had a career year in 2010 and the Mets are hoping he keeps it up. Also, R.A. Dickey produced a season that came out of nowhere and his numbers were pleasing, but a complete aberration. Can they possibly continue? Also, Chris Capuano and Chris Young are average to begin with but both seem to be injured very regularly. That’s going to be trouble if it happens again as the Mets don’t have much depth. The Mets are also banking on the development of Jon Niese. Considering the Philadelphia Phillies have a rotation that includes Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels, the Mets are going to be in tough in the National League East race. They need Santana to come back strong and they need to add another quality starter before the concerns regarding this team’s pitching will be quelled.

   2009-12-17 02:13:30 Oink Oink

So i work with a 18 year old Muslim. Talking with her yesterday, i brought up pigs. she said she couldn't even touch them. i told her i had two small ceramic pigs on my desk and asked if she could touch those. she said no way. She then asked me why i had two ceramic pigs on my desk, and i said because they represent The Establishment.

Later on in the evening, after work, at home, before a roaring fire, sipping cognac with lady badmets, we got into a heated argument over why Muslims cant get down with the swine. I suggested it was because pigs are dirty filthy animals that eat their own shit. She countered by claiming it was because they have hoofs for feet, ala el diablo. Glasses were shattered, brandy was burnt.

   2009-12-03 02:43:18 Bah Hum Bug From Bad Mets

You know you have deep dark emotional problems when the following headline makes you laugh: Couple Seeking Christmas Tree Disappears. Save us all Bobby D, save us all ...

   2009-11-25 06:29:47 HEY! Joey Santiago's Wearing a Met Hat

   2009-11-24 02:29:34 Bad Mets Initial Reaction on Health Care Reform

What's this we hear about no abortions and the compromising of clean needle exchange programs? Well, that wont fly. Get on it peoples governing our land. Also, some of our readers have emailed us complaints about their current health insurance plans. For one, Max from Manhattan writes:

Dear Bad Mets, I have an acute fear of falling asleep and have been taking sleeping aids for sometime now. I have health insurance and initially was paying a 20 dollar co-pay for a bottle of 30 10 milligram Ambien. Some nights I wasn't as afraid as usual to fall asleep so I figured I just needed 5 milligrams and snapped the pill in half. Ambien, as you may or may not know, is long and slender and easy to break in two with just your fingers. Then the economy crashed and I switched to the generic Ambien (only 5 bucks co-pay!), Zolpidem, which is small and circular and difficult to split in two. Question: what's the best way to cut pharmaceuticals in to two equal pieces?

Dear Max from Manhattan, Sleeping's a waste of time. Drink more coffee and start exercising you (we presume) fat bastard. Love, Bad Mets.

   2009-11-18 04:37:24 Reading (Comics) is Fundamental

A woman I work with rides her bike to work and was late today because she caught a flat tire. Empathetic, I suggested she copy what presidents' do to avoid tire blow-outs: get tires reinforced with Kevlar and instead of air fill them with petroleum jelly. Having recited all this from my deranged memory, I decided to fact-check and Google it. It turns out that not only do presidents' and armor cars do this, but the Batman and the Batmobile do too! And yes, the latter is where I learned this information.

   2009-11-17 02:52:17 Chewing Gum

I bought a pack of Orbit gum, randomly choosing Fabulous Frutini. Terrible. Ever notice how the shape and feel of a pack of Orbits simulates a pack of cigarettes? Ever wonder why a pack of nicorete gum is like 50x more expensive than a pack of Orbits? Ever notice how society frequently corners a certain group of people and bleeds them dry?

So anyway the horrible taste of Orbit Fabulous Frutini has not only reminded me of how cold and indifferent the universe is, it has also, for whatever reason, awaken memories of chewing gum appearing in episodes of Little House on the Prairie. I remember Willie (at least I think it was Willie) dropping an aggey or something through the floorboards and retrieving it with a string and a wad of gum. And then there's this that I just retrieved via the interwebs, a discourse between Mary (the girl the universe blinded) and John (who I believe was her fiancé):

John: Here, you want to try some chewing gum? They just came out with it a few years ago.
Mary: What do you do with it?
John: Well, it's just like it sounds. You just chew it. But don't swallow it.
Mary: Why? Is it poisonous?!?!

   2009-11-13 03:29:43 Dock Ellis & the LSD No-No

   2009-11-12 05:43:18 Starving To Death

For those of you who are hungry, and interested, here's a link to Final Meal Requests made by death row inmates from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice archived website.






   2009-11-05 05:19:39 Hatred Adding Up

Day 4 is worse than day 3 + day 2 + day 1 - fuck the yankees and fuck you Sir Walter Raleigh

What bugs me the most these Harry Ragless days, besides Yankee fans, are a) old people b) rich people c) fat people. God help them if I run into any old, fat, rich Yankee fans.






   2009-11-04 02:21:03 Day Three ...

So I just got out of my car, had the light, was crossing 3rd avenue and a taxi was idle in the crosswalk. As I circumvented the obstruction, I banged my steel fist on the trunk as my steel eyes watched driver and passenger flinch. Yesterday I thought about strangling my cats because I couldn't find a sweatshirt I was in need of. Day three: will this irritability get the best of me? Game six: Hopefully Pedro gets the best of the Skankees! Go Pedro GO!





   2009-11-03 01:43:28 Harry Ragless, Day 2

day 2 and i just cant stop thinking: there's no light at the end of the tunnel

   2009-10-29 07:13:39 Game One - Lot's of Fun!

Oh what a lovely show last evening! And what a crowd! Our leaders' wives ... Adolf Giuliani .... crippled war heroes ... everyone important under the sun save for that anti-semite Irish tenor. Well everyone was there for a little while, until the temperature continued to dip and the rain began to reappear, chilling the rich bones and dampening the dead fur. But what a thrill! Cliff Lee DOMINATING! A-Roid swinging like a handkerchief in the wind! More! We want more! Get some tonight PEDRO! GET SOME!!!!!!

   2009-07-13 03:23:58 Bad Mets Presents: The 2009 All Star Cum Shot Team

1st Base- Adam Dunn "In Your Bun"

2nd Base - Blake Dewitt "In Your Shit"

Short Stop - Michael Young "On Your Tongue"

3rd Base - Aubrey Huff "In Your Muff"

Outfield - Jay Bruce "In Your Caboose"

Outfield - Nate McClouth "In Your Mouth"

Outfield - Jermain Dye "In Your Eye"

Outfield - Jack Cust "On Your Bust"

Catcher - Paul Bako "In Your Tuna Taco"

Pitcher - Brian Bass "In Your Ass"

   2009-05-21 03:09:17 Love and Hate: Two Horns on the Same Goat

So, it comes to this. I know it has happened before but I can't recall my reaction-- and lapse of recall is not due, I believe, to my wretched case of short-term memory loss induced by college and life's other horrors, but rather my carefree insistence on living for the moment-- the NOW! Carpe Diem! Dream as if you'll live forever-- Live as if you'll die today ... Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... Draft beer, not people. Where were we? Right, the Phillies vs. the Yankees. Yes, unfortunately it's true: this weekend I will be actually rooting for the Phillies. Ugh. But I suppose beside career ending injuries, utter embarrassment, and total failure, I wont be rooting for much. Just those unfortunates and loooooong games that will tax both bullpens, with winning runs scoring on physical errors, mental miscues, and perhaps a forfeit or two due to PED syringes popping out of pockets deep into the night . And anyway, seeing as the Mets will be SWEPT by the Sox-- thus making this season unoffically offically over-- this will feed our undying need for Yankee failure. Please forgive us Mr. Met, but lets go Phillie Fanatic!

   2009-05-13 02:48:52 YES! Let the soiling of Shitty Field Begin!

   2009-05-12 08:27:05 Bad Mets First (and Last) Visit to Citi Field

Citi Field turned me into an obnoxious drunk (on a mere four fancy beers) and had me bellowing over my portion of the ribs and pulled-pork sandwich I shared w/ my girlfriend (pulled-pork? what? pull this pork-- give me those fuckin ribs!!!). The rotunda? A mall. The rest? As Kaplan put it, it's like the best minor league stadium EVER. The recreation of Hell Gate was nice, but part of me wished they also recreated the treacherously murky waters below that gave the original bridge it's name-- for, though I'm already half a septuagenarian, I finally realized my childhood is over and the plunge would have been tempting. So I've decided to never return to the new Shea and will now for whatever reason only monitor baseball via the radio. That, and enter a strat-o-matic and D&D tournament as soon as possible.


   2009-04-30 04:05:43 Open Letter To Jerry Manuel

Dear Jerry,

Santos? From the bullpen? With 2 outs in the ninth? Why? Because it was his birthday? Howie Rose called your move "River Boat Gambling," which is spot on. And now I'm truly starting to believe the words of wisdom uttered from the lips of the King of Astoria the day the Mets fired Willie and hired Manuel: "It's like dumping Mary Kate Olsen because she's too skinny and then proposing to Ashley." Speaking of

love, bring back Valentine already. Or some sabermetrics genius who actually knows what the fuck he's doing. And another thing, Jerry. Wright is wrong! Of course he shouldn't have bunted but neither should he have been batting 5th-- w/ Golden Boy batting 3rd. Davey Boy has taken some heavy blows to his apple pie confidence and batting him behind Golden Boy banishes him deeper into the depths of unconfident orchids. And lets face it, the real Golden Boy, the real messiah aint Murphy-- its Tatis! So fuck it. Now that you've irrevocably shattered Wright's confidence, start Tatis at third and bat him third. The holy trinity. Let it ride on the Lord! We'll ride Tatis' spiritual lore to the promise land.

We all now officially hate you Jerry. Please leave.

   2009-04-23 04:34:08 Gelatin Julia Stiles

Without further delay (Teegee never came through; so we hired his much more competent and reliable brother JohnnyDee)-- voila-- Julia Stiles on opening day at Citi Field! WE LOVE YOU JULIA! Click here to see the complete spread. Marvelous work Johnny, tell your brother we all know he's a hack at photography, soccer, drum playing, cooking, love making, and child rearing.

   2009-04-22 04:45:30 The Adventures of Golden Boy

Watch Golden Boy get picked off! Watch Golden Boy jump over catcher and get nailed at the plate! Watch Golden Boy impersonate Johnny Damon with his spaghetti arm! Watch Golden Boy misplay a line drive that leads to a loss. Again! Golden Boy: he may be hitting .320 but he's fuckin everything else up!

   2009-04-20 08:20:51 Bad Mets!

So Doc Gooden rightfully tags up a wall in Ebbets Club at Citifield and the Mets are pissed-- Jay Horowitz says it'll be erased. This is gross. What if Seaver wrote: 'Ooh rah!-- USMC' or Bacne Piazza wrote: 'I'm not gay' ... Poetry. For the ages ... (Still waiting for Teegee's prints ...)

   2009-04-17 03:40:24 Teegee's Still In The Dark Room

Credit: Mike Stobe/Getty Images for The Wall Street Journal

Jesus, Mary and Jose Reyes! The WSJ beat Teegee (my European Weegee) to the punch! Can you beat this photo Teegee? Let's hope so. Anyway, Julia writes a wonderful article detailing her experience on opening day at Citifield. Also, here's a link to her blog that is succulently saturated w/ Metsie observations and memories. We love you Julia-- and Hurry up TeeGee-- get me those prints--

   2009-04-16 06:00:37 COMING SOON TO BADMETS!

Bad Mets commissioned a European photographer to capture Famous Mets Fan Julie Stiles watching the game on opening day at Citifield! Success! Pictures are being developed (my European Weegee doesnt believe in digital technology) and will be posted and reposted once obtained! (Note: All images are copyrighted and are the sole property of badmets.com and the T in ATJ. Permission to use/copy/recreate images is strictly prohibited and results in slow death.)

   2009-04-14 03:13:18 Bad Kitty!

   2009-04-13 03:40:17 Golden Boy Is Really Bargin Boy

Daniel "Golden Boy" Murphy's blunder-- spoiling Johan's stellar outing-- didn't cost the Mets the game last night; Fred Coupon did. Let's be real: The Met's brass has blown up Murphy as this CANT miss hitting-machine to hide the fact that Fred Coupon, after taking it in the ass from his buddy Madoff, was too cheap to fork over serious clams for Manny. So Fred cuts some more coupons, gets us Sheffield, and everyone continues to rave about Murphy's bat. What about his glove? What about his bullshit minor league stats? Where's Timo Perez at? Why not just hype that motherfucker back up and platoon him with Tatis? So, unfortunately for Murphy, who should be in Buffalo learning a position, perfectly his sweet swing, eating wings and fucking fat chicks, I will blame all my mortal ills on his head. The end.


   2009-04-08 18:52:15 Live In Game Anaylsis

top 1st

delgado goes ddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppp!

captain keith tells us: reyes vegas odds over/under for triples is 18 1/2! citifield nooks and crannys! Kaplan! call my bookie!


bottom 1st

big pelf gettin dwarfed

delgado! WBC bullshit! Carlos cant catch routine dp relay from reyes. carlos missed reps!

huh? i was spacin out ... did captain keith just allude to the fact that reyes has to buy castio a rib eye steak everytime he makes an error?


top second

no repect: captain keith just reminisced rodney dangerfield throwing out the first pitch the second game of the season at shea

castillo is up. alex cora please. he whiffed! point made!


bottom second

berkhardt raves about castillo.

captain keith rightfully complains about the multicolored hats

golden boy murphy (francesa refered to him as that-- he's yankee scum but i hold a soft spot for him cuz he reminds me of mom's friend linda) makes an impressive sliding catch.

top third

golden boy grounds out w/ reyes on 1st and 1 out

bottom third

berheaft tells us big pelf almost pulled a Kaplan- scored a basket in his own net

bottom 5th

chnaged my mine! castillo the glove! guns down capo votto!

..cooking ... more wine ...

bottom ninth


   2009-04-03 06:07:02 He's Doc Gooden's Fuckin Nephew!

update: Way to go Omar! Thanks Fred Coupon!

Pick the motherfucker up! News flash: Daniel Murphy is NOT a hitting machine; Ryan Church has NEVER consistently hit left-handers; and the lineup has too many left-handed bats. Besides being a proven, right-handed slugger, the bastard has something else this team needs-- SWAGGER! Undisciplined pizzazz! Cockiness! Fuck this pack of immature (Reyes) god-fearing (Tatis) apple-pied (Wright) socialists (Delgado)-- get us a guy with an attitude! SIGN GARY SHEFFIELD!

   2009-03-13 04:47:12 Cheating and Beating

Brian Cashmen's been outed in the new book, The Rocket That Fell to Earth. Though the book focuses on the horrors that Roger Clemens personally inflicted on the innocence of our entire nation, other Yankee injustices are exposed. In the book an unnamed former Yankee claims Cashman, while watching Giambi mired in an horrible batting slump on the clubhouse TV, yelled the following: “Jason, whatever you were taking in Oakland, get back on it. Please!” Of Course, Cashmen denies everything.

And, finally, we've discovered a clue as to why Bernie Williams, though retired, still cannot find any time to repair his hacked website fan forum: he's been too busy beating on women. Most recently: in a nightclub in San Juan, after a devoted fan of the female persuasion snapped a picture of Bernie, the great national icon smashed her camera and then popped her in the face. Bernie is now on the lam in the U.S. hiding behind his team at the WBC.

   2009-02-23 06:57:36 Desperate Hope

Yes it's true, i'm of Irish decent, and yes it's also true that i drink a lot, but why does it seems like i'm the only fool NOT drunk on Daniel Murphy? I read today that Manuel is considering giving Murphy full-time status and platooning God-Boy Tatis and Church. What's worse are the idiots who want Murphy to start at second. Sober up NYC! Murphy aint Bob and he cant play second, left, third or wherever. He's not a "hitting machine" and come July he'll be in Buffalo eating wings and fucking fat chicks. Now get me a keg, some caviar, a grapefruit, and fuckin Manny Ramirez.

   2009-02-18 06:07:19 George Kaplan's Crying

   2009-02-12 02:46:44 Strawberry Fields For Pleasure

Lo and behold, the great Darryl has returned just in time to rescue baseball from its age of infamous greed and schlock narcissism. Oh yes, in his new autobiography, "Straw: Finding My Way," Darryl explores moral ethics, tales from the road, and yes, the truth about beer: "We hauled around more Bud than the Clydesdales. The beer was just to get the party started and maybe take the edge off the speed and coke."

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