Doc Gooden holds the record for hitting the most home runs as a pitcher at Shea. Retire his number already you racist pigs!

Jesus Christ the Mets blow. The only team they can beat are the Yankees. Fire Willie. Cut loose Omar. Shoot Delgado in his head. Quarter Castillo. Gas Heilman. Send Reyes to obedience school. Trade Beltran. Put Alou in a wheelchair and roll him off the Brooklyn Bridge. Let's face it-- this season is OVER-- so let's try and enjoy it-- bring up Tobi Stoner-- the blazing star for the A ball St. Lucie Mets! The Mets have already hit rock bottom so there's no time like the present to get high!

x permalink

When Carlos Delgado smacked his second homer of the day yesterday, the temperamental Mets fans in attendance burst into cheer. Delgado took his prideful stroll around the bases and returned to a dugout stirring w/ pleased comrades. The two-faced fan fuckers were now reaching celebratory rage: hollering and hooting, demanding a curtain call. Delgado never left the dugout.

Exclusive Photo : George Kaplan sneaks behind-the-scene and captures the FIRST EVER photograph of Citi Field!

WTF: On TBS this afternoon, Ron Darling did the color commentary for the Braves game with Braves announcer Southern Joe Hillbilly. Does he do this on the regular? Ronnie, baby, what the fuck?!?!?!??!?!?

Update: Three weeks into the season and Jason Giambi continues to tickle our funny bone: he's batting .109 (George Kaplan's average blood alcohol content is higher than that)

x permalink

Bad Mets would like to send speedy recovery wishes to Jason Giambi. The great Giambino, not starting tonite at The Stadium against the Tampa Bay Devils, somehow injured his groin yesterday. The Wicked Web told us that he's available to pinch hit tonight and should start tomorrow. Phew. Cuz with a glove and without the 'roids, his persistent piss-poor performance (he's currently batting .083) is gonna be a blast!

x permalink

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pick up the phone, Omar. Fred. Open up your wallet. Sign both Bonds and Sosa to MINOR league contracts for an INSANE amount of loot. Next, commission the undetectable steroid. If Church and/or Pagan and/or (God forbid) Chavez the Great are out for an extended time, bring the juice heads up. No matter how well they perform, banish them back to the minors as soon as the DL'ers heal.

And one more thing Fred, if I may. Could you hire me as a ball boy for all the playoff games? Thanks Fred, I owe you one. Lets Go Mets!

x permalink

Dear Omar:

Nuff already. We all know you went to Newtown High School-- now start acting like it. Start acting like the late and great fellow Newtown alumni Johnny Thunders-- and waste the fuckin future on present pleasures! Trade the farm for Santana! Yeah, Met fans are Born to Lose and the plaster's falling of Shea Stadium walls and we're all crying in the shower stalls and this summer's gonna be hot as a bitch and we all shoulda been rich (like Wilpon) but we're all diggin this fuckin Yankee ditch-- so cook up the trade and shoot us up some Santana!

Love,

Bad Mets

x permalink

Week 3. Still no lead. Casting for George Kaplan's ballet continues. BadMets inquired about the delay and Kaplan sent us the following email: "Listen. Casting's been a bitch. Creative confusion has lead to bills up the wazoo. Time is Monet. And so are them tutus, chi-chis, ... and them whatayacallits-- blam blams. Sheeeeeiiit. You know me: I ain't no shemale expert."

This just in. According to shemale expert George Kaplan, the tale of Maine and dress was true. Kaplan has been following this lead for months. In fact, due to many vices = no money, Kaplan was the one who leaked the story to Page Six. But just you wait: Auditions for Kaplan’s ballet, I First Laid Eyes on She-John in Bagel Oasis, start next week.

x permalink

Her t-shirt says it all. That’s a picture from Krista’s facebook page that sparked a forum thread on ign.com. Thread originator goes on to state: "She also appears in an album with other playmates while going on the Howard Stern show. In one picture she appears next to Reuben Droughs, I wonder if he hit the hole. I guess we will soon be able to see what Paul was tapping. This now means that Paul cheated on an ex-playmate for an up and coming playmate. Not too shabby huh? "

x permalink

Lino Urdaneta, Mr. Infinity, pitched the ninth today and allowed no runs, no hits, no walks-- 1-2-3-- struck out 2, and recorded a save. Lino's going wild! 2 innings this spring-- and zilch!

(Somebody please buy me a Mets jersey-- classic pinstripes-- with Urdaneta on the back and ∞ for the number).

This guy's gonna pitch in the big's this year, sooner or later. If he's traded before taking the mound for the Mets, and pitches for another, well, then, it goes w/out saying: bad mets hopes he never overcomes ERA unboundedness. but say he pitches for the Mets this season-- and someone was kind enough to purchase for me that jersey-- well, then, i'll have to get back to ya.

Rumor has it that the Mets have handed Edgardo Alfonzo his walking papers.

get on the bus or put the kids in the car or do whatever ya gotta do cuz today your gonna go to long island to Matt Guiliano's Play Like a Pro Baseball Facility where darryl strawberry will be conducting a clinic and you will casually go up to darryl and charmingly convince him to sign the love letter to bill buckner and while you're there congratulate Darryl on his up coming role as a cancer patient in a film based on Ray Negron’s children's book Boy of Steel and tell him how proud you are of both him and his son, D.J., who is making a name for himself as a point guard for the University of Maryland basketball team.

I've recently begun my reentrance into the normal social word: that is, the dark existence of life w/out Mets. Wow. Two nites in a row! Nite one: I went to see the new Scorcese film The Departed-- and holy macaroni-- about 10 minutes into the film-- there's Famous Mets Fan George Kaplan-- in a scene w/ both Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson. I was flabbergasted. Amazing. Well done George. Nite two: Out drinking in Williamsburg at The Brooklyn Ale House, and across the street is closed off-- movie set for P.S., I Love You-- starring Famous Mets Fan Hilary Swank. Party! Pitchersncatchers is only 4 months away!

Click here for the latest of several proposed conceptual renderings that are being considered by The Metropolitan Baseball Club and the City of New York's Planning Board. To keep building costs down, the latest proposal is too maintain the current stadium structure, and only to amend it with slight modifications to include a retractable roof. "Flushing will be even better than ever!" says New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

michael jordan's from NC. so he must be a braves fan. so he must be behind what's halting pedro's shoe repair w/ nike....

mike piazza is going to the yankees. no!!!!!!

Rumor has it that George Foster was instructing the outfielders this past summer. Hopefully nothing rubbed off too much. Click here for exclusive photo covering one of those events